I am getting old, or at least I feel like I am getting old. It seems that I have lost the drive that most of my friends have, they are all looking for mates and if they are not looking for one, then they already have one. While all these hormones are flying around me, I find myself sitting alone feeling disgusted by their attempts, that of course is probably because I do not have the drive to find some one with whom I can relate, hell I do not even have to drive to find someone attractive. Usually I feel like I am tagging along on their affairs, they are holding hands and being loving, while I am in the back ground, trying to have a conversation over the wet sound of lips and tongues being mashed together.

Actually, it might not be that I am getting too old for these games, but I think that it is because I am getting too bitter for these games. I do not want to have you chase me around and I really do not want to have to chase you, even though, as much as I try to deny it, that is what I always end up doing.

despite all of this, I can not find comfort with being alone the rest of my life. I want to be love as much has anyone else in this world wants to be loved. I need human contact as much as anyone else needs human contact. I crave the warmth of other people. I want you damn it, and you know it more then anyone else. There has to be a way back into your heart

…I just have not been able to find it, in fact, I am starting to beilive that there is no way back into that warmth. I am sadder then I hope you will ever know, and as I sit here, pouring my heart and existence into this letter (that you will never read), the days are turning into weeks, the weeks into months, and the months bring me more bleak thoughts. I have been crying much more, because of the loneliness. There is nothing I can do about this though. I can kick, Scream, Cry, and reach, but when we are galaxies apart, all my attempts die before they get even remotely close to you.

If you could travel back in time to spend a day with someone, who would it be and why?
I think that I would want to hang out with myself becuase I use to be such a cool person and now I am just a loser.

I would hope that some of my cool from my childhood would rub off on me.

Some how I got it into my head that the way to win back my ex was to send him a Mix cd in the mail. It seemed simple enough right? I would bait the cd with artists that he liked, but songs that would remind him of me...I figured that if he is thinking about me more often then he will miss me. The cd had an over all theme that was something like "You hurt me bad, but I still love you".

This is what was on the cd. I even put them in a special order so that the songs tell a story.

1. Stars by Hum
2. The Nurse That Loved Me By Failure
3 Breeze By Sean Lennon
4. Do You Realize? By the Flaming lips
5. Perfect By The Smashing Pumpkins
6. By Starlight By The Smashing Pumpkins
7. Thirty-Three By The Smashing Pumpkins
4. Drown By The Smashing Pumpkins
7. Rolodex By Vellocet
8. Killing Loneliness By H.I.M
9. Stand Inside Your Love by Smashing Pumpkins
10. Something I Can Never Have by Nine Inch Nails
11. 3 Libras By A Perfect Circle

A few hours after I sent it off I realized that it maybe a bad idea and make him depressed. There was no way of getting it back though

The next day I write him a text message that says, Expect a package and that is it. The next day I get online and he wrote me a message saying that we needed to talk.

Well It ends up that he just wanted me to tell him what I sent him in the mail because curiosity was killing him. He made a few guesses but nothing was close. While we were talking on the net he got the package. He told me he was getting off to open it...and that he would call me later that night before it got to late....

He never called.

I am left wondering if the CD was too much for him to handle.

I am guessing that it is another failed attempt.

Dear Smart guy,
Even though you are extremely smart (one of my weaknesses) And Asian (another one of my weaknesses), I regret to inform you that we can not talk anymore because you don't drink, and I drink excessively. It wouldn't work out, We'll have nothing in common.
<3
Cakes

I seriously think that I have a brain tumor, the doctors can't seem to see if for some reason, but I know it's there. Growing, causing all kinds of pressure in my head, creating the horrible headaches I have been experiencing. I feel it in the frontal lobe on the left, its stealing my creativity I swear. Sure this all sounds crazy, but I have thought that I have had a brain tumor for years.

My eyes are extremely sensitive to bright lights or anything that is extremely white. I fall into unbearable spells of pain sometimes because of these things. Sometimes my vision is blurred for no reason, and then sometimes I swear I can feel something in there...moving.

Okay so maybe it's not a tumor, but there is something in my head that is causing me pain...and I don't think that It is just stress like the doctor said.

What do they know anyway? I mean seriously they are unable to find my invisible tumor, why the hell should I believe them when they say that it is just stress? HUH?

Maybe it is a blood clot.
I am going to drop dead one day when I am just walking to my classes.
I am experiencing major memory loss.

I called my ex boyfriend Ronnie the other night because I somehow convinced myself that I was dying, from the tumor that was eating my personality. I guess that is what pain killers and booze will do to you though. Anyway, when I was talking to him I ment to confess my love for him one more time, but instead that didnt happen. I was hard to understand. My tumor was throbbing, pulsating, consuming, devouring, festering and menstruating in my skull. He instantly knew that something was wrong with me as soon as he answered the phone. Once he found out though that I had taken a buncha pain killers (To stop the pain from the tumor) and drank some tequila (because I thought I was going to die and a girl in the south has got to have her tequila before she dies) he jsut got really upset with me.

Man. I should get to class.
I will finish this later.

Dear YOU,
You have successfully broken me into A million tiny pieces, I hope you are fucking proud of yourself. I know this is going to sound cliché but I thought things would be different. I thought you would be different from every other fucking asshole I decided to give a fucking chance. You do not even know where the fuck I am coming from. You do not know where I have been, and you never cared to ask. You never cared to ask what I had been through in the past. You did not even take the time to get to know me. I am extremely hurt. You gave up on me before I even had a chance. You tell me that you tried to get to know me but it never showed, I was always the one trying. I was always trying.

Do you know how many time I wanted to give up?

Do you know how many times I deleted your number from my cell phone?

Do you know how many times your friends convinced me to keep talking to you?

Do you know that you were the first boy that I found attractive in a whole year?

Do you know that after what happened with the last boyfriend, the thought of a man touching me ever again made me vomit? It made me sick to my stomach, I would get so nervous when a man would even look at me, and my life was a living hell.

I know you do not fucking know. You never took the time to find out.

You were the first person I let in after the bad break up.
You were the first person I let touch me, Kiss me, and Fuck me.
You were the first person I told my big secret.
You were the first person I let myself want.

I do not think you realize any of this. I decided to put myself out there for you. I thought that since you had been hurt, that you would understand my hurt, and that with this understanding we would be able to better each other. I thought that since we both had our share of bad relationships with all the wrong people that you might be trying to give this sweet nerdy girl a chance. I can see now that I was wrong.

You are unwilling to realize what you need, and I am unable to forget about what I need.

We both are fucked within our own character flaws. My flaw being the ability to care for people that I barely know with unfiltered emotions, it is like this maternal instinct that causes me to want to care, that causes me to want to serve, that causes me to want to help and to want to love. My emotions are dense, intense, undiluted substances that cause me to develop violent passionate crushes on people, but it also allows me to leave myself more open to for rejection, heartache and the ever-developing bitterness. Another thing that you probably do not know is that, I can handle the physical pain you can throw at me, but when something that hurts me emotionally, I crumble into the crying little girl you heard on the phone.

What is your flaw? From what I have witnessed, it is something along the lines of not waiting what is best, but wanting what you know will hurt. My lack of aggression probably scared you away. I was sweet, I was caring, I was considerate of your feelings, I had a visible soul…all things that you are not use to in woman that find you attractive. Ever stop to think if that is why you are always being fucked over? I am sure that if you would pick better people to develop emotions for, then you would have more fulfilling relationships. Rather then picking the person that wants to please you, you look like the kind of guy that always falls for the girls that act like a complete bitch to him. You look like the kind of guy that looks for abuse...I am sure you would follow her around like a fucking puppy dog. Puppies don’t care how many times they get kicked, they will always follow their owner, they just become sadder and more insecure. I wonder if your need for abuse is due to some form of deep-rooted self-loathing…I bet more then likely, it is.

Have fun with that and do not say that I did not try to save you from heartache and bitterness. I have been there. I have fucking been you. It is something you have to realize on your own though.

As of right now, you missed experiencing the awesomeness known as me. You fucked it up without even realizing how good you could have had it. Before I hung up on you, you asked me if I was going to be okay. You asked me if we were still going to be cool…

You asked me these things like if you really cared to hear about my answer.

I do not know if you will ever hear from me again after you read this either, I have deleted your number from my cell phone. That of course could change as my feelings change. You just broke me, so of course I am going to be bitter, of course I am going to hate you. It would be nice though to get some kind of reply back to all of my heart and my soul I have poured into this. My friends always told me that I was too smart for you, so prove them wrong and write me something intelligent back, anything.

This was long...I know...hopefully you read it...but it was seriously straight from my fucking bleeding heart, like everything i fucking do.

Things can be civil between us, but I will not be calling you anymore.

You fucking missed the best thing that never happened to you.

Dear Guy with the Face,

            I take back everything that I said in the last letter, better yet, lets just pretend like that girly spout of emotion was never written.  Last night somewhere between sleep and awakeness I told Rebecca about everything that happen when I went to see you.  Normally, I probably would not have let out so much detail but she caught me in one of those strange moments where I am willing to confess everything and let down all my guards.

After letting everything spill out, I came to the realization that the whole Afterglow-ShimmerShock-Glittery Aura bullshit was nothing but---bullshit.  It was a spell that you put on me by way of your magic fingers and soft words.  As you held me in bed that night we joked and talked, and I was happy just to be talking.  It seemed like everything achieved some form of settlement, both of us were satisfied with the results. That of course is not the case. Now that I recall the conversation we had---nothing-achieved settlement, we were both just speaking in vague terms, terms that were even vaguer then before! 

It was as if the glitter gaze of post orgasm had fallen into my eyes, ears and mouth causing me to just lay there and listen to you.  I had no thoughts of my own that night; my answers were incomplete and nonsensical.  I had been waiting since the last time I stayed at your house to talk to you about what ever it is you feel for me. I missed that chance because of the damn glitter glaze! I could try for hours to decipher this code of ambiguous shit-chat that floats around "us" but it is too hard when we both decide to speak in a passive voice.

The only thing that we both seemed to agree with was my ability to grow an awesome beard.  Oh yes, you also told me that you do not mean to hurt my feelings all the time and I believe that, so I hope that you really meant it. 

Nothing other then that really made any sense. You said:

"The only way that things can work out between us is if we both hate each other, and I really do hate you." 

"Okay, well maybe I don't hate you, but I dislike you…A lot."

"I think you are totally the Afro Samurai Sara" 

When I woke up I had the feeling that you were totally into me, but now after reexamining the whole situation, I only know two things to be completely true. The first one being that my Yoda shirt totally smells like your house, which is something along the smell of weed, whatever the fuck you were cooking and you, which is a strange smell all in it's self.  I smelled it when I was taking it off and it reminded me of sleeping with your arm around me and my face inevitably stuck in your armpit.  For some reason the stench, makes me feel comfortable, and it makes the glitter glaze fall back into my eyes.

The other thing I know for sure is that I don't think I can be the girl that you are fucking around with…if we are not in some form of "relationship".  It doesn't even have to have an official name, I just would like to know what the fuck is going on between us.  I want to be sure that you have some kind of interest in me, I want to know that I am just not a fuck buddy you plan on throwing away soon.  I am too sensitive for that.  I need to know your intentions….please? 

I say this now, but I know that the next time I am able to visit you, I am going to turn back into the stupid little girl that is happy just to be around you.  I know that the next time you invite me to stay over night I am going to say yes.  I know that the next time you invite me into your room I am going to follow you like the hopeless little puppy that I am. I have no will power when you are around. I want to touch you. I want to lick you. I obey you like a slightly retarded puppy…

The only question this whole thing brings to mind is… 

Are you the kind of person that would kick a sweet loving loyal mildly retarded puppy? 

Let us hope not. 

<3 -Cakes

Dear (Insert Name Here),
Fuck you. Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You.
I hate this fucking Afterglow-ShimmerShock-Glittery Aura bullshit that I get after we hang out. It's so sterotypical an cliche. The world is sparkling. The birds are singing. The clouds aren't so cloudy. It's like there is a fucking disgusting spring time in my chest that brings the giggling, caring, sensitive girl me back to life. I want to dance, and I want to sing, and I want I want I want I want!

But alas, there comes a time for me to come back home, but the AfterGlow-ShimmerShock-Glittery Aura bullshit follows me.  Even though I want to kill it, I won't.  I have already been asked a million times why I am smiling, why I am singing, why I am being friendly for once, Why did I just not threaten to kill that baby? Why, Why, Why, Why, Why!

I'm so Glowy that I could blind people if they aren't careful, and I plan on letting this glow shine until it runs out.

I could kill it off because it is annoying, but fuck, If I killed the glow off because it was annoying, then I would have to kill you for the same reason.
<3

Dear (insert Name Here),

When questions start flying around my dizzy head, I sometimes fall apart. The walls of Epic-o-city that I have worked so hard to build around myself come tumbling down and I am left in my natural state. Some find it repulsive, Some find it annoying, others really don't know what to do with the puddle of weeping nervous whining Sara they come across. To some, it seems almost unnatural to see me in a state of weakness or need, let alone the need for some one else. I don't really understand this because the weakness and the need have always been a large part of my personality, but I work hard not to let others witness them. I am not as strong as people think I am. On the outside, sure I can come across as cold and unfeeling, but on the inside there is a voice that is screaming for love, attention, compassion and trust. This tiny little girl voice wants me to love. It wants be to care. It wants me to want. It wants me to let my true emotions known to the world rather then hiding them, deep deep deep inside of myself. She wants to scream out all my emotional secrets, but the walls I have built around myself are sound proof and ultra-thick, no one can hear her but me.

Sometimes on occasion, the little girl escapes. Which is what you heard over the phone the other night. I try to regain myself, but the little bitch seemed to have leaked all my intimate secrets about you to you.

I know this sounds semi-crazy...
I don't want to lie and say that the things she said weren't true, because they were. I just feel that the way they were said has put me in some kind of a disadvantage in our current situation (which I am still not sure of). I hate showing that I am weak, needing, attention hungry, sensitive and most other things that are associated with women.

Now you know that I care what you think of me.
Now you know that I get nervous around you.
Now you know that I lose my bravery around you.
Now you know that you make me Submissive with a single look.
You know that I cried over you a few times
You know that I have some kind of violent crush on you

These things are all true, and I laid there while we were on the phone, bearing my heart to you, wounded and broken, I bleed over the phone, crying. You said nothing, in fact, I am sure that you weren't even taking me seriously. You made jokes and I was hurt, you weren't listening to me, or I thought you weren't, I never know what you absorb and what you don't. Everything was taken lightly on your part, while it meant everything to me

You know, you know, you know

Everything about how I feel...

And I know nothing about how you feel.

You are now in control, and I hate it. I find myself waiting for your call when I know that you won't. I find myself waiting for replies to these silly letters I write when I know that you haven't even read them. I find myself wondering what you think of me.

This is what you do to me.

Damn you.

You make me weak, and if it were anyone else in the world, I would hate you for it. You should be the enemy, the virus that is breaking down my immune system. You are the parasite that is eating away at me...

But I eagerly supply my body to host you and
I wouldn't have it any other way.

Damn you.

-Cakes<3

Dear (Insert Name Here),

When you are around, I hate the way all of my intelligence seems to disappear leaving me to look like a giggling Junior High girl, but at the same time I love these strange feelings that stir. I have said it before and I will say it again, it is a rare feat for a man to make me nervous, but some how once again you unknowingly have accomplished it. I enjoy (in a strange sadist way) the giant butterflies that you put into my stomach because they are unusual to me. When you are around, I enjoy my lack of words and even at times wit because it is exotic to me. Most of the time, my words are my strength, when they are taken away from me, I become anxious because it is no longer guaranteed that I am in control of the situation. Normally, I am loud an obnoxious, when when you are around there is an overwhelming shyness that I enjoy, because it is so tricky to force myself away from.

The other night when we were in bed, you asked me why I could not stop giggling while you were taking my panties off, my reply was simply "My wetness makes me laugh" . This is an example of how I lose my words around you, because what I really meant to say was:

My body seems to have betrayed me. I have been working for more then a year to train myself that I do not need nor want a lover. I thought I was doing well because it seemed that no matter how hard other guys would try, nothing would come of anything. There was no waiting for them, there was no wetness for them, there was not even the slightest thought of sex with them. I thought I was winning, but now, as I lay here in your bed I realize that you have done it. You have broken my wall mental block, you have broken the dam and let the water be released and you have done this with out intentions of doing it. Even if I fight it, I find myself unable to be away from the want. The wetness that was hiding in my panties made me giggling because It was almost like I was admitting defeat. I need you. Fuck. I need Fucky. I need your Fucky.Fuck.FUCK. It has to be unhealthy to be this attracted to some one. FUCKy...Fuck...Fuck....need...

But instead you seemed satisfied with my simple answer about wetness and you continued on with your spelunking mission.

Tonight have been the perfect date. (That is if you would even go on a "Date" with me, I am still not even sure if you like me...) As I was sitting by myself at the bar, listening to the live band play, I wished that I had a car. I would drive to see you every once in a while (that is if you wanted to see me too) maybe we could do something awesome like the little day dream that I kept replaying in my head.

Live music.
Booze.
Closeness.
Aloneness.
Goofy jokes.

Yeah.

I wait here, wondering if you have an interest in me the way that I have an interest in you. Yes, we have kissed, and cuddled in bed together and fucked, but in this day and age that could mean nothing. I wait for some kind of response to all that I have been sending you. Most of the songs I have written recently are about you in that goofy-assed-Cakes-Way, I don't know if you realize that or not. I made you a fucking Mixed Cd with a cute/stupid song that I wrote just to go on that mixed CD. I don't know how else to tell a boy that I am interested in him, for more then just sexing and making out.

Will I find out that all of the waiting has been futile?

I hope not.

-Cakes<3

Dear (insert name here)
I have some things to say to you, but since we don't talk very often (We have been playing phone tag the last few days and I didn't really talk to you the last time you were down) I feel that I can only say these things in a letter, because we have both seen that I get totally shy and stupid around you. Thats an extremely rare feat for a boy to accomplish with me, and you have totally done it unintentionally. When you are around, I don't get butterflies in my stomach, Its like fucking Mothra is in there! Plus you will probably never read this, and that will spare me from blushing up more of a storm next time we see each other...whenever that will be.

Since we are both geeks, I don't know how else to say this but in geek terms...here I go...

I would totally be your Meryl  if you would be my Solid Snake
I would totally be your Marle if you would be my Crono
I would totally be your Peach if you would be my Mario Or...
I would totally be your Daisy if you would be my Luigi
I would totally be your Zelda/Shiek if you would be my Link
I would totally be your Kara if you would be my Will...(Illusions of Gaia owns me only the best Snes RPG...well...i guess besides ff)

I would totally be your Rachel if you would be my Locke
I would totally be your Rinoa  if you would be my Squall
I would totally be your Aeris if you would be my Cloud (I'd get Impaled and everything)